Letting go.

My agonizing estrangement from my first born child.

So much has changed since you have been gone, and I keep thinking about this river somewhere, with the water moving really fast. And these two people in the water, trying to hold onto each other, holding on as hard as they can, but in the end it’s just too much. The current’s too strong. They’ve got to let go, drift apart.

It just hurts more now to hang on than to let go.

So I am gently letting you go and in doing so, I have to communicate it for our closure.

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

I need to move forward now. I am ready to move forward. You are my first stop on that journey.

I remember the day I brought you home from the hospital. I was changing your diaper and putting you into your “take home from the hospital” outfit. I was so nervous. I was sweating. I said to you “ I really don’t know what I am doing but I will always try my best.”

And I did.

You were my first everything.

I adored you. Parenthood does not come with a manual, you do it the best you can, with no intent to screw it up. Good faith is what you call it.

There are still lessons to learn.

One of them I have learned recently is to let go of things that you have already let  go.

Our hearts are in two different places now.

I will always be your mum. I will always be YaYa and am so grateful that I got to experience being a grandparent. I loved it! I will carry that with me forever. Those were probably the happiest times of my life, so far.

But I know I have happy times waiting for me, they are there calling for me.

I love you, and I want you to be happy, I want you to have the life you deserve. And if that means … if that means I have to stand here and watch you walk away, then I’ll do it. I have done it. Because that is what you really need.

I didn’t know what I was doing when I became your mother but I always tried my best. Your happiness means everything to me. I will listen for your voice in the distance. I will look at the moon. I will keep you in my pocket. I will carry your smile with me everywhere.

But I have to let you go now. You were the star that fell from the sky and into my hands. It seeped through my veins and swam inside my blood and became every part of me. But then I had to put the star back in the sky. It is the most painful thing I have ever done or will ever have to do.

But I promised you I will try my best.

That is my best.

I know you are safe because your dad is there and I know he will always be there for you if you need help.

I know Carys and Michael are safe because they have you.

That is all I need to know.

Be happy.

I will see you, from time to time, under the pale moonlight.

My star.

Always love you

Mum

ps “She had hope in her heart but after a while, with each step forward, hope stepped back. And for the first time in months, the first time ever, she began to weep, and as she did she knew that with the retreat of hope her heart had finally caught up with her head. And as each tear spilled over she let them go, she was letting go.”